Wholehearted Living Through A Counselling Lens

Brené Brown’s work had a huge influence on my decision to become a Registered Clinical Counsellor. I have read her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, at least four times. I even belonged to a book club that focused on reading this book and discussing how we are implementing the wholehearted guideposts in our lives. Brené Brown describes in her book how her research on difficult emotions such as shame, fear, and vulnerability, led her to identify a group of people who embraced vulnerability and their personal imperfections. She called these people the “Wholehearted”.
Through her research, Brown explored what was different about wholehearted people. How did they live their lives and deal with challenges? She asked questions such as, can anyone create a wholehearted life? And what does it take to cultivate that? One of Brown’s key findings in her research was that the “wholehearted” had a strong sense of feeling worthy of love and belonging. In essence, the wholehearted, have a core belief that despite their flaws and imperfections, they are good enough; they knew that who they are as a person is enough, and that they worthy of love and belonging. When we have the sense of worthiness, and of feeling good enough, we can live our lives in an authentic way, replace criticism with compassion, take risks, and share our stories (when we are in a safe context).
Brené Brown’s research on shame, authenticity, courage, and vulnerability led her and her team to identifying ten to guideposts on how the whole hearted live their lives. Not only did they identify what the wholehearted intentionally cultivate in their lives, but her research identified what the wholehearted intentionally let go of as well. You can find her 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living at this link: https://brenebrown.com/art/ten-guideposts-for-wholehearted-living-3/.
When starting my counselling training, I knew that I wanted to somehow incorporate these ideas and concepts into my work, and in how I could help my clients. But it wasn’t until I had taken three levels of training in emotionally focused therapy, when I finally understood the basis of what it means to be live a wholehearted life.
Emotionally focused therapy is based on attachment theory. From this lens, one of our primary needs as human beings is a sense of connection. Secure attachment with other people is one of the greatest resources we have to help us grow and become our authentic selves. Secure attachment is the foundation from which we can have the courage to take risks, to live a meaningful life, and to develop healthy relationships. Having a “safe haven” connection calms our autonomic nervous system and balances our emotions. Safe haven connections make emotional distress and difficult life circumstances more manageable. Having a felt sense of a secure base of attachment gives us a sense of competence, inner authority, and a sense of worthiness (aka, feeling like we are good enough).
However, the sad reality is that many of us did not have a secure attachment figure when we were young. We did not have someone to turn to who was emotionally accessible, engaged, and receptive to our needs. So, one of the main goals of emotionally focused therapy is to help us, even as adults, to develop a secure sense of attachment with ourselves, and with others. Essentially, emotionally focused therapy targets what Brené Brown calls living a wholehearted life.
The stronger connection that we have to ourselves and others, helps us to develop healthier patterns for regulating our emotions, rather than getting hijacked by fear, anxiety, or our inner critic. For example, rather than pushing down emotions, or numbing them with food or alcohol, we learn to tune into ourselves from a place of understanding and compassion. From here, we can regulate our emotions, choose more empowering thoughts, and make decisions from a place of confidence, calm, and clarity.
Insecure attachment styles, also known as anxious, avoidant, or mixed, can cause us to get stuck in patterns such as emotional reactivity, avoidance patterns, or self-sabotage. In insecure attachment, we can develop maladaptive coping behaviors to deal with difficult circumstances and emotions, which affect our health, our relationships, and sense of self.
Brené Brown says in her book, “Once you see a pattern, you can’t Unsee it”. This is exactly what emotionally focused therapy helps us to do; to see our patterns and how they play out; how they impact the way we think, behave, cope, and make choices. Once we can see the pattern for what it is, we can take steps to reshape it so that we’re not automatically triggered to repeat it repeatedly.
Although being human makes us susceptible to developing unhealthy patterns, being human also makes us able to re-shape our patterns. It is never too late to change our patterns, to develop stronger connections with ourselves and others, or to grow in our sense of being worthy of love and belonging so that we can live a wholehearted life.
If you are looking for a counsellor in Qualicum Beach, feel free to book a free 15-minute inquiry call with me HERE
Brown, B. (2010 & 2020). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing & Random House.
Johnson, S.M. & Campbell, T.L. (2022). A primer for Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT): Cultivating fitness and growth in every client. Routledge.